Memoir of a Heero
by nicole-purple
Summary: Heero has decided to finish his journal with a few private thoughts about himself and the guys.


Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or any other anime… : sigh:

The perfect soldier that was what they called me once. The perfect soldier, never afraid, never worried, never showing any emotion what so ever. Always so cold and calculating is what everyone thought of me, behind my eyes were ice. They knew almost nothing about me, they knew no reason for my behavior and simply assumed that that was the way I was.

I was not born without emotions, they were trained out of me. I was born a happy child like any other, but then Dr. J got a hold of me. From that moment I was constantly in training, never allowed to break character or I was punished and forced to train even harder. I was never allowed to show any emotions or any type of weakness as he called them. For that is all emotions are, weaknesses, way to get into someone's head and slowly destroy them. I could not care for anyone or show any pity; ultimately those people would die, and then my resolve would fade.

I had to be strong, the only good thing in my life was knowing that if I was perfect and never failed any of my missions that I would be helping people. I would be ridding the earth and colonies of evil. That is what J. said they were evil. I still don't believe to this day that they were evil, their plan was just very misguided and that their plan had to be stopped, using every means necessary if need be. Every means necessary meant me and the other gundam pilots.

Teenagers trained in the way of battle, each with our own particular skills that could be used. I still do not know why the doctors did not realize that we would work better as a team than separate. We realized it ourselves that we could do much more if we worked together. Even though I never showed it I enjoyed working with the others; seeing all of their skills put into play.

Duo ever the fool but still able to carry on and do his job. At one time I actually believed Duo about being Shinigami. When Duo went into battle it was like Shinigami took over, that was the only way that I could see Duo still being cheerful after every battle, even after we killed many men or innocent people got hurt, he always did his best to cheer the rest of us up. I always resented his attentions but now I realize that it was what saved me.

At the time I went along with what J told me; emotions were a weakness. I thought that Duo was trying to weaken me in some way. But I realized that all of the other gundam pilots had emotions, some were better hidden than others but they all had them and showed them in some way.

Even Wufei occasionally showed emotions. The others at first found him as cold as myself, but I knew the difference. I knew the reason he fought; he fought for the passion of it, he wanted to do the right thing. I learned what I had suspected all during the war when Mariemeia tried to follow in her fathers footsteps.

Wufei fought on her side against me, all he wanted to know was if I was sure I was doing the right thing, how did I know? How was I so certain, when he wasn't, she thought her cause was right, how did I know the difference? I didn't know the difference. I just knew what I thought would be better for the people.

I was sick of fighting their battles, I was sick of killing to help _them_, it was time for them to take care of themselves! And that is what they did, when Relena spoke to them, they realized what they had to do, just as I did.

Wufei looked to me for an ultimate answer but I couldn't give it to him, all I could do was tell him what I thought to be right. He had his own choice to make. Everyone makes their own choices, Quatre made one of the hardest choices of all when he became a gundam pilot. He gave up his family for what he thought was right. His father forbade him to fight but Quatre went to war anyway.

He is not like the rest of us, he never had hardship while growing up. He was born the son of a rich and powerful man. I was born and lived with Dr. J, Duo was an orphan, Wufei was born into a traditional Chinese family, he was even married, but she died before the war. As for Trowa even I do not know his true beginnings I don't think that he does either.

He worked on Heavyarms for the original Barton but even he didn't know his name then. When Barton was assassinated Trowa took his name and his mission. He carries the name now but that is not who he is. He may not have had a family before but he has one now in the circus with Catharine. Trowa was always thought to be like me, unemotional, but I know that he has more love in his heart than Quatre. He feels more than any of them but he is simply better than hiding it.

I wasn't hiding, it truly seemed as though I had no feelings for a while. Then Duo came and seemed to break through my shell. He did this to the other pilots but he always seemed to concentrate on me more. I think that he regarded me as a challenge, a conquest, a boasting of his skills. At the time I regretted his attentions and believed him to be a very foolish young man, but now I know the truth.

The reason he acted the fool was to hide the pain in his own heart. He tried to cheer us all up when inside he was crying. He tried to help us become the young men that we really were. Yes we were soldiers, the best, but inside we were still just teenagers, young men, striving for acceptance in this world. He helped us to learn companionship and to have fun, without him I know that we wouldn't be the same people today.

We probably wouldn't even be alive. He has great skill in and out of his gundam he knows when he has to be serious. They all helped me realize that it is ok to have emotions and that sometimes they can help us. Hope and love are the greatest of these emotions and they helped me to find them within myself. A man fighting for his home and family will fight harder than any hired soldier; all that man has is hope that maybe just maybe he could make a difference and save the family he loves.


End file.
